*Trigger Warning** If you suffer from severe depression and/or have suicidal ideation, please seek help by calling 988 in the US for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline if you think you might lose your battle with depression and suicide, and maybe not read this post. Also note that this was extremely difficult to write, and may be a bit disjointed because of it.
Suicide Prevention Month is almost over, and I’ve been struggling to write this post all month. This is a very personal post, as I have suffered from depression and suicidal ideation multiple times during my adult life. Because of this, though, I feel like I need to write this, as it might spread awareness and maybe help save someone from losing the battle.
This post isn’t for those that are suffering. It is for those that aren’t. There is a stigma around depression and suicide that those that lose their battle are selfish and are taking the easy way out. That is not the case. From my experience, those that are going through it may view it as the only way to stop the suffering of those around them.
A little history. I joined the US Navy before September 11th, 2001. I was actually in my first training school when everything happened. I had always struggled with fitting in and thought I had finally found my tribe, because most Nuclear Reactor personnel in the military are a little different. I now think that a lot of us are neurodivergent, but undiagnosed, which is important, because people with Autism and people with ADHD cannot join the military, and are actually barred from becoming a nuke in the Navy, even if we are the best people for this particular job.
I breezed through my first and second schooling, hardly studying. When I got to my third training school, I started struggling a lot. I didn’t know that my AuDHD caused auditory processing issues, and I had rejection sensitivity. Both of which caused me severe anxiety when trying to qualify, due to the requirement of oral check out interviews and qualification boards. The only reason I qualified at all was my ability to know exactly where every reference I studied was in the vast technical manual collection we were required to know, along with my keen troubleshooting skills.
When I got to my first ship, it was worse. I had the same problems as at my third school, but the added difficulty of always being surrounded by people meant that I was always overstimulated. We all thought it was stress management, but it wasn’t. I was suffering from Autistic burnout.
Fast forward to a new command after I had my child, and it was actually worse. My rejection sensitivity and the negativity directed towards me because my life and career choices put me in a tailspin. I was in a bad marriage. I was being told I was a bad wife and mother, and my child would be better off without me. My chain of command was telling me I was a bad sailor, bad reactor operator, and didn’t deserve to continue doing what I loved.
Please understand that I’m glossing over how bad things really were, because, honestly, you probably don’t care about the details.
I became suicidal. It was terrifying. I genuinely believed everyone would be better off without me in their lives. The scariest part is that, as an AuDHD, I knew how to research the specifics to accomplish my goal. I created a plan that would work and there would be no way to save me, and yes, I did lie to medical personnel about having a plan. I told them I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be hospitalized.
The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that statistically, children of suicide victims end up with severe depression, and I didn’t want to do that to my child. I kept that in the forefront of my mind, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have lost my battle with depression.
To me, the depression and suicidal ideation feel like a black hole that I’m standing at the edge of. The relentless draw pulls me in, telling me that the best way to help those I care about is to not be in their lives. It is absolutely terrifying. I’ve experienced it multiple times over the years since my time in the Navy, and every time, I get more scared of it coming back. What if I lose the battle? How do I prevent that?
Sadly, when I finally got help in the Navy, I was told I was faking it, just looking for attention, and just wanted to get out of my job. I loved my job. I’ve done things that very few people ever get to experience, with circumstances that should have prevented me from experiencing them. It took me a month to seek help because I knew that getting help meant giving up a job I loved. A month that could have cost me everything. Understand that no job is worth your life.
Knowing this, I am more scared for my friends that might experience depression. I know the battle. I know how bad things can get.
I have lost a co-worker to the battle. The Naval Nuclear community has lost dozens of personnel to this battle by my estimation. It is so bad that NBC News wrote an article about it, though there was no mention of the veterans we’ve lost over the years. When I was still a federal employee, I dreaded the emails from the command telling us that this ship or that boat lost another sailor to suicide. While this wasn’t the primary reason for leaving federal service, it was a factor.
I am only here because I was able to find my touchstone. My child kept me on this side of the dirt, when all else failed me. If you struggle with depression and suicidal ideas, please ask for help to find your own touchstone. I’m here. If you worry that a friend or loved one struggles with this, do everything you can to help them find their touchstone.
We, as a society, need to care more, and judge less, with regards to mental health. Please ask for help if you are struggling or offer help if you know someone who is.